i’ve debated writing about quarantine for a while now because i don’t really have anything unique to add to the conversation. but then i was thinking maybe that’s okay too?

since i live in California, i’ve been house-bound since early March. for nearly eight weeks i’ve been living the same day over and over again which very well could be defined as my worst nightmare. now don’t get me wrong, i am very fortunate in that i still have my job/can work from home, i have access to beautiful neighborhoods where i can walk, etc. the nightmare for me is really feeling trapped—feeling like i can’t plan anything for the future, or get the space i need. my days are filled with the same foods, conversations, walks, exercises and shows.

my emotions have felt like a swinging pendulum ranging from manically productive and happy to this deep frustration and sadness that stems from the feeling of being out of control. sometimes i accept the situation we’re in and other times i don’t and suddenly realize there’s nothing to be done about it. this whole experience has made me sit in my emotions with nowhere to go for a little too long.

i feel like there’s been a lot of pressure to be as creative as you can during this down time. in a perfect world, i’d be reading, writing, watching lots of good movies and i don’t know, learning pottery or something? but the truth is when i’m depressed, i feel depleted of all energy or ambition—at least for a while. all of that seems out of reach to me. to paint a picture for you: i had this moment a few weeks into our shelter-in-place where i wanted to create something. i took my film camera outside and really searched for moments that were worth documenting during this time, only to realize the film fell off the spool and didn’t capture any of it. if that isn’t a sign to just hang up your hat then i don’t know what is.

but i press on and finally decided to reload the film and try again. also, i’ve had this post written for weeks and sitting in my drafts because that’s how creatively blocked i am. ok bye!